I was 6 years old and we lived in a semi circle at the end of a close so we were all close to our neighbours. I’d known Greg for quite a while, he was my parents age to slightly younger and appeared to have a girlfriend sometimes. My parents worked (at the same firm) a lot and usually my sisters looked after me when they were out but they’d gone to spend the start of the Christmas holidays in France with their friend. “Greg” ( i later found this may not be his legal name) was kind enough to step in over a week period when my parents were working and had a lot of work parties in late hours.
The first time it happened he was at my house in the evening while my parents were at a goodbye party for a colleague. He made me microwave mac and cheese, I spilled some and he made me go change, he got aggressive when I said it was fine so I went to change. I think he watched me because I heard moving outside my door. That night it was just touching and I was afraid. He held my hand on his crotch as well. He asked me confusing questions about whether I had a boyfriend and if I ever thought about boys touching me. I was confused and nervous. He warned me not to tell or my parents would be mad at me and soon my parents came home so I pretended I was asleep and he left.
The next time I stayed at his house over night because of the work Christmas party which mum and dad said wouldnt end until very late so it made sense for me to go to his where I wouldn’t be disturbed. He gave me mac and cheese again then took me to his bedroom where he took inappropriate pictures of me and made me do things to him, when I tried to escape he punched my stomach several times and told me I was “ungrateful” because he’d been working his way up to this and I had made him skip ahead. Then I was raped. He left me in the room for ages alone. I have never felt more scared and pathetic. On this night he started to tell me a lot of messy, twisted things about what my purpose was in life. He used a lot of words like “slut” and phrased it as though it was a type of monster I secretly was and he said if I told anyone about the things we did then they’d know that’s what I was and hate me. He said that because I was this kind of person I would always have to serve men and do things for them.
This carried on a few nights throughout the week, I don’t want to go into detail but mostly he touched me and took a lot of pictures. I remember begging to stay overnight at school (which had a boarding house) one night which my parents thought was a cute ploy to spend more time with friends and managing to buy a few hours by going to a friends before going to Girl Scouts then I had to go back to him.
On the final night before my sisters would be back he raped me again and he put the camera on the dresser so i dont know for sure but he may have filmed it. But this night was really different. He was so violent and sadistic and he kept laughing at my pain. He called me terrible things and wouldn’t let me go to the toilet so I wet myself. I was also made to swallow something I didn’t want to.
He never abused me again but he was still around my neighbourhood and went to gatherings where I was a lot, I felt him taunting me. I remember on the last night I brought my favourite toy cat with me for protection, I think I left her there by mistake.i got the courage to ask him one time but he said she wasn’t there and I was too scared to question it although I’m sure he stole her. He left town that summer and around 2 years later my parents told me rumour had it hed been convicted for sexual abuse of another girl. When they asked if he’d done that to me I said yes but either out of regret, anger, shame, deep shock whatever my mother branded me a liar. I’m forbidden to talk about him.
I have lived in fear ever since. I wet the bed sporadically after nightmares, I was far too old the last time it happened and I’m still too ashamed to tell my very supportive boyfriend about it. I have flashbacks, I remember every detail that way. I used to cut although I’ve been better lately. I went through early puberty and started having body image issues, plus I felt I didn’t deserve food so I began compulsively eating and throwing it up from the age of around 10. When i was around 12-15 i mixed with a bad crowd and there were 18-19 year old boys who my friends liked because they bought them alcohol. My low self esteem and everything my abuser taught me means i let myself be used for degrading acts i wish i could forget. I began to recover myself after a desperate suicide attempt and looked promising, but aged 18 I was attacked again when my friend drunkenly came back from clubbing to our hotel room with two guys and while she was busy with one, the other climbed onto my back under the covers of my bed and raped me. I could have and should have stopped him- I had a boyfriend! But the things I’d been taught when I was young conflicted me plus the fear of a thousand memories rushing back at once paralysed my body and voice. I went into decline again which I’m only now learning to get back up from.
This is the basic detail of my past, but it is not my future. I hope that it has some positive impact, in any way, maybe someone can relate to it and feels less alone, maybe people can learn something from it I don’t know, but I hope it does. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to about any problem huge or tiny I will be here for you, I know what it’s like to be hurting and if I can do one good thing with my life I want to help people like me
Thanks for reading
A lot of the time on TV (like law and order svu or criminal minds) paedophiles are shown to be romantic creatures that, while twisted, treasured and adored the children they encountered albeit with a sick kind of love and I know that can be the case in real life. And whilst I know that any kind of abuse is damaging beyond belief, my abuser was a violent sadist who seemed to relish psychologically scarring me. Sometimes I wish that if I can’t erase the past I could at least have a kinder devil
If you’ve ever doubted yourself, walk deep into any forest. Notice how the trees still stand even though they are given no recognition. Walk along any stream. The water still flows, though no one stops to praise it. Watch the stars late at night; they shine without acknowledgment. Humans are just the same. We are made out of the same elements as these beautiful wonders. Always remember your beauty and self worth.
Abuse is a touchy subject, when I came clean about my abuse things got kinda messy. People took other peoples sides. Half the people were in shock and the other half took sides. How could this happen to our family? How could this happen to all of us? I felt like most of the time no one thought about the things I have been through, the hell I lived every day, but there were only a couple people that knew what I was feeling! I just hope that I can somehow help everyone of you in some way! I know I have been through a lot but I wait to be able to say something good came from all this!